Long Night on the Knight Bus
by Hasriona 2014
Summary: Snape takes a reluctant journey on the Knight Bus so as to get from Diagon Alley to Hogwarts...and he gets the ride of his life! Pure fluff!


It was a late yuletide evening. The lights of Christmas trees twinkled in the shops of Diagon Alley as Severus Snape walked down the busy high street, which was covered in a light layer of powdery snow. People bustled to and from the little shops, clutching recently purchased gifts and decorations, the gleeful emotions of the Christmas season etched upon each rosy face. Snape stood out from the crowd as the only one with a sallow, indifferent face. Snape was only there to fetch specific potion ingredients from the apothecary, not browse for the latest brooms or the latest colourful products of the vibrant stores on the street.

"Hello, sir! Care for a taster?" asked an overly-enthusiastic dealer, reaching out to Snape with a plate of dancing chocolates.

"Get any closer and you'll wake up tomorrow in the middle of the North Sea..." said Snape lividly. The dealer, looking startled, immediately withdrew.

Snape pushed open the dark, wooden door to the apothecary, relieved to find it completely empty of customers and what-not. Snape was also pleased to find that the shop, unlike all the others, wasn't draped in colourful tinsel and baubles.

"Ah, Mr Snape. Here for your Salamander entrails, are you?" asked Pierson, the man behind the till.

"Yes, on behalf of Hogwarts, of course..." said Snape, reaching into his pocket and taking out his wallet.

"I believe you ordered twelve ounces..." asked Pierson.

"Indeed. Plus the ounce of coursed Pigeon eyes which you assured would be complimentary..."

"Of course, you our are one of our most valued customers..."

"Right..." said Snape. "What will this cost?"

"Six galleons, twelve sickles, Mr Snape..." said Pierson.

"Here..." said Snape, handing over the money. Pierson carefully counted the amount whilst Snape impassively watched, grimacing when a cluster of bewitched mini-reindeer flew past the window.

Pierson looked up as one last reindeer tapped against the window, dancing to the sound of some distant Christmas song.

"Damn kids..." murmured Pierson, whipping out his wand. "_Expulso_!" he cried, and the reindeer exploded into a cloud of dust.

Snape raised his eyebrows, whilst Pierson grunted.

"Stupid time of year..." murmured Pierson. "Why are we celebrating a Muggle tradition? What's it got to do with us?"

"I feel similarly. Dumbledore is most keen on celebrating it at Hogwarts, but I see no point in this celebration..."

"Well, Dumbledore was always a bit on the Muggle side, if you know what you mean..."

Snape smiled. "Quite..." he uttered.

"Anyway, here are your Salamander entrails. Hope to see you again in the New Year..." said Pierson, passing him a large, green bag and a receipt.

"Same to you, Pierson..." said Snape. "Shall I say, ah, happy holidays?"

"Ditto..." grunted Pierson.

Snape made his way towards the door, unhappy at the falling snow and gleeful voices bounding from beyond the lacklustre sanctuary of the apothecary, but Pierson stopped him with a short cough.

"Mr Snape...I hope you're not leaving here by Apparition or Flue..." said Pierson suddenly. Snape turned to face him again, and saw him reading a small letter which, by the look at it, had just arrived with an owl, now perched on a shelf of ingredients.

"As a matter of fact, I plan on leaving by Flue in the Leaky Cauldron. Why is it important?"

"Because I just got this note from the Ministry. It says that the Flue Network has been shut off for the holiday season, due to overuse, and Apparition has become impossible due to the heavy snowfall..."

"What? I got here by the Flue Network just five minutes ago! Are you telling me they have shut it off in the space of time I have been here?"

"Apparently..." said Pierson.

"And what do they mean Apparition has become impossible? Snow wouldn't stop it..." remarked Snape.

"I don't know about that. I once heard of this once guy who apparated in a snow storm; he turned into a snowman!"

"That's just a rumour – a preposterous rumour as well!"

"So is the rumour that you only bathe once a year! But I know that's hardly true...right?"

Snape coughed, and made towards the exit. Pierson regarded him curiously.

"Right, Mr Snape?"

"Goodbye!" said Snape, pulling open the wooden door and rushing into the snowy street beyond. He didn't want his bathing secrets divulged to just anyone.

Departing from the awkward conversation with Pierson, Snape wondered how on Earth he was going to get back to Hogwarts without the Flue Network or Apparition.

As if answered by a Christmas fairy, which were, coincidentally, floating above his head in the street, Snape saw a frosty poster on the opposite wall of a purple bus, with the caption "THE KNIGHT BUS, FOR ANY STRANDED WITCH OR WIZARD, JUST STICK YOUR WAND OUT..."

Snape, astounded at how wrong that last bit actually sounded, looked closer at the poster. It could be his only way of returning to Hogwarts this side of Christmas...and although it looked a bit precarious (who runs triple-decker buses anymore!), Snape ultimately came to the conclusion that it was his only option.

Sighing, Snape returned up the high street, through the Leaky Cauldron, and into the cool quiet of Charing Cross Road, the Muggle world presenting a remarkable contrast to the Wizard one he had left behind.

Checking there we no Muggles around, and for anyone else, really, to witness what transformation he was about to use, Snape took out his wand and, feeling slightly foolish, stuck it out in front of him.

He was immediately pushed back onto the pavement behind him by a unfathomable force, his fall being slightly comforted by an undisturbed layer of fresh snow. The air was suddenly full of harsh squeaks and squeals, as well as a very bright, moving light. Looking up, and shaking the fragments of snow off his cloak, he saw a massive purple triple-decker bus standing before him, a familiar looking pimply boy standing in the open door.

"Welcome to the Knight Bus, transport for the stranded witch or wizard, my name is Stan Shunpike and I will be your conductor for the evening..." said Stan Shunpike, reading aloud from a small card. Stan looked down at the dishevelled Snape, and almost stepped back in shock.

"Professor Snape...wow...how long has it been?" said Stan, looking a little scared, but clearly showing his amusement at Snape being covered in snow.

"Six years, Shunpike. I see you found a job. What a surprise..." said Snape harshly.

"Oh, yeah! Good job, don't ya know. Ya get to see a lot of places..." said Stan, helping Snape up.

"I can imagine..." said Snape brusquely.

"Choo still working at Hogwarts?" asked Stan.

"Of course, I'm on my way back now. The Flue and Apparition networks are not working, so I've been forced to use your rather unorthodox transportation method..."

Stan grinned. "Welcome to the Knight Bus..."

"I can see that quite clearly, Stan. I may have aged since our last meeting together but my eyesight remains perfectly intact..."

"So has your attitude..." mumbled Stan.

"What was that?"

"I said you're a cool dude..."

"What?"

"What?"

"Oh just let me on this thing, these salamander entrails will go rotten soon..." said Snape impatiently.

"Righty-o, then, that will be seven sickles, thank ya very much..."

Snape reached into his pocket and deposited the seven pieces of silver into Stan's hand.

"Sit down anywhere..." said Stan, placing the money in a nearby dispenser which then regurgitated a green ticket with a gagging sound. Stan passed this to Snape, who retched at the finding that it was covered in some kind of slime. Snape poked it into his pocket, and then tried to find somewhere to sit down, being startled by a sudden discovery.

"What do you mean sit down?" remarked Snape, observing the bottom deck of the bus. It was full of what looked like hospital beds, with witches and wizards nestled in some of them; it looked like a portable, miniature St Mungos.

"Perch yaself down on one of the beds, Professor..." said Stan, closing the door.

Snape reluctantly sat down on the only bed he could reach, one which was, unfortunately, occupied by an old looking lady.

"Are you my daughter?" she croaked confusedly.

"No...I'm Professor Snape..."

"Daisy! I know it's you! Come here you little munchkin!" said the little old lady, reaching up and pinching Snape's cheeks.

"Get off me you vile woman!"

"Pinchy, pinchy poo!"

"Oh don't mind her, she thinks everyone's her daughter..." said Stan. "Don't worry, her stop's next..."

"Where's her stop?" asked Snape, avoiding the frantic attempts of the old lady to stroke his hair.

"Manchester, I believe..."

"Manchester? That will take a couple of bloody hours! I'm not putting up with this for that long!" said Snape as the old lady tried to kiss him.

Stan grinned. "Seems Professor Snape is unfamiliar with how this bus works..."

"Let's show him, then..." said a deep voice from the driving seat.

"Yup. Take it away Ernie!"

"Yah! Take it away Ernie!" shouted a shrunken head hanging from the top of the drivers window. "It's going to a bumpy ride! Wahp! Wahp!"

There was an almighty bang, and the bus set into motion at a speed Snape couldn't bear to comprehend. Snape was immediately thrown over his head and onto the bed behind him, which was, thankfully empty.

Stan, acting as if they weren't travelling a speeds normal buses couldn't dream of reaching, was casually reading a copy of the _Prophet_, whilst the erratic bus driver pummelled the bus around the streets of London.

"YAH! TAKE IT AROUND THAT CORNER, ERNIE! WATCH OUT FOR THE LITTLE OLD LADIES!" screamed the Shrunken Head, whilst Snape rolled around the bus like a ragdoll. His bag of salamander entrails flew up into the air and landed with a horrible squirt on the head of a sleeping man. Continuing to sleep, green slime oozed down his face whilst Snape watched, furious.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" shouted Snape, causing the old man to wake with a start.

"Marion...Marion..." murmured the old man quietly. "I got poo on my face..."

"SHUNPIKE! WHAT IS THIS?" demanded Snape again. Shunpike lowered his newspaper, and asked "Choo want to get to 'Ogwarts or what?"

"I would like to get there in once piece, you know!" shouted Snape. "Slow this god-damned contraption down now!"

"Fine, fine..." murmured Ernie, unenthusiastically. "Slow it down, Ernie..."

"Yah, SPEED IT UP ERNIE! IT'S GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE! BUMPY! BUUUUMPPPPYYYY!" screamed the Shrunken Head.

"No, no! That's not what I asked for!" protested Snape.

"The Greasy Man wants speed, Ernie. Speed it up, Ernie, speed it up!" screamed the Shrunken Head.

"NO!" shouted Snape. "I WANT IT _SLOW_!"

"SLOOWWWWW?" screamed the Shrunken Head. "ERNIE, STOPPPP!"

The bus came to a sudden halt, as if it had just crashed into a giant marshmallow. Snape was propelled forward right into the front window, his face pressed unceremoniously against the glass.

"Ow..." he muttered.

"Ya want it slow little Urchin?" asked the Shrunken Head in an angry whisper. "TIME FOR SPEED ERNIE!"

"NO! NO! NO!" protested Snape, but the words has barely left his mouth when the bus started moving again at break-neck speeds. Snape was flung right to the back of the bus, soaring of the heads of old ladies and over discarded Sudoku magazines, coming to a halt on a bed pressed against the back window.

"Whoa, Snape, you could be in the ballet!" said Ernie.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Snape, getting his wand out.

"Poo, poo, I have poo on my face..." moaned the old man with the salamander entrails on his face. Snape flicked his wand and the contents flew back into the bag, which then flew into Snape's hand.

"I've had enough of this!" shouted Snape. "I'd rather walk in the snow than spend another minute on this bus!"

"'Fraid not, Professor Snape. The next stop is gonna be 'Ogwarts, and we don't allow intermitting stops..."

"How long will it take to get there?" asked Snape, lowering his wand.

"Ooh...about...um...what do you think Ernie?"

But it was the Shrunken Head that replied.

"THIRTY ONE MINUTES! ERNIE! LITTLE CHILDREN!"

The bus stopped dead again, catapulting Snape back to the font of bus, where he crashed onto the floor with a painful sounding crunch.

"Aww little children...KILL THEM ALL!" screamed the Shrunken Head.

"Sorry about 'im, he used to be a...a...different person when he wasn't all shrunk..." said Stan.

"Right..." groaned Snape, standing up. "That's all very well and good, but I'm not waiting thirty-one-"

"Thirty minutes now, my little ostrich..." interrupted the Shrunken Head.

"Well, whatever, I'm not waiting half-an-hour to get to Hogwarts! I don't know if whether this is some joke, but this is absolutely ridiculous! Left me off!"

"ACCELERATE!" screamed the Shrunken Head harshly.

"_Deteo_!" shouted Snape, and he did not fly back as usual.

"Aww I like it when the Greasy Man flies..." muttered the Shrunken Head sadly.

Snape was about to retort, but then he noticed the picture before him. A great, black, icy looking lake lay before them all, the bus driving straight towards it, the features of the bare trees and frozen water getting closer and closer with every second.

"BLOODY HELL! WE'RE GOING TO DROWN!" screamed Snape.

"RELAX SHOUTY!" screamed the Shrunken Head, whilst Stan read his newspaper again. "WE GOING UNDER DA SEA! OPEN SEA SHELLS AND THE SEA OF THE KEY...HEEEEE HEEEEEEEE HEEE!"

"AAAHHHHH!" screamed Snape as the bus smashed against the ice on the lake, forcing its way through. Cold blue water hit the window screen, and everything went very quiet, but the bus still continued onward as if nothing had changed.

"I have to say you're the loudest person we've had today..." said Stan.

"YA JAB THEM WITH A FORK HE'LL SHUT UP!" laughed the Shrunken Head. "JAB DA FORK IN DA POTIONS MASTER, HE MAY NEED MORE THAN JUST A PLASTER, LAUGH AND SCREAM AND MAKE A JOKE, WE GOT THE FORK IN THE GREASY BLOKE! HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!"

"Stop it!" shouted Snape, as the bus hit the bottom of the lake with a dull thud. It continued onward, running over bits of debris discarded at the seabed.

"Sssssh..." said the Shrunken Head. "Do you hear it?"

"Hear what?" asked Snape.

"The sound of the Potions Master screaming! ASCENDIO!"

The bus lurched upward as if caught under a geyser, rocketing up through the lake and up into the sky above, Snape screaming all the way.

"I see Hogwarts! I see France! I see Snapey's underpants!"

"What do you mean?" demanded Snape, but it become instantly apparent. Somehow, his entire trousers will split down the middle, revealing...well, what do you think?

"I see the pants of the Professor Snape, someone get me the ball of tape!" said the Shrunken Head.

Furious, Snape reached forward and grabbed the Shrunken Head from where it hung, bashing it against the side of the bus.

"OUCH! OUCH! WHY YOU DO THAT FOR? OUCH! OUCH! MY BOOTIFUL FACE!"

"Oi, he's a priceless artefact!" said Stan, snatching the head out of Snape's grasp.

"AAAA THANK YOU STAN YOU MERCIFUL BASTARD!" said the Shrunken Head. "Your hand is warm..."

"GET ME OFF THIS BUS NOW!" said Snape.

"Fine, fine..." said Stan, opening the door. A four-hundred foot drop could be seen beyond. "You first..." said Stan.

"Get us on the ground!"

"My pleasure, take it away Ernie!"

"Yah, take it away Ernie!" screamed the Shrunken Head. "WAHP, WAHP!"

The bus began to rocket towards the ground, vibrating as if about to explode- Snape had the anxiety that that was actually going to happen.

"HOGGYHOGWARTS AWAITS!" screamed the Shrunken Head. "HEE HEEEE!"

The bus hit the ground with such force that Snape was sent flying, once again, to the back of the bus. Unfortunately, he happened to land on the old lady, who abruptly tried to tie his hair into pigtails.

"Get off me!" shouted Snape.

"Your hair is awful Daisy!" said the little old lady.

Snape looked forward out of the front window and saw Hogwarts in the distance. Feeling relieved, he stepped forward and picked up his salamander entrails, doing so at the precise wrong moment.

"STOP, STOP, THIS IS THE STOP FOR THE GREASY OSTRITCH!" shouted the Shrunken Head, and the bus immediately halted as if, once again, caught in the giant marshmallow. Snape was sent flying into the door of the bus, were he crashed out against the glass, delirious.

The bus came to a complete stop outside the gates to Hogwarts, where Albus Dumbledore was waiting for his beloved Potions Master.

The door opened, and Snape fell out onto the ground, groaning and singing a lullaby.

Dumbledore watched him, and sighed.

"Silly Snape. Surely no one told you that it's always a long night on the Knight Bus?"

And with that, he said thanks to Stan, and dragged the unconscious body of Snape up into the grounds, whilst the bus disappeared into the night with the usual crash and bang.


End file.
